Wishes

... coming true! I was asking for snow all day yesterday ... And vouila! It's snowing, believe it or not! And it was not even on near forecast! From now on I'm starting to believe that I do have connections up there ... So step in line people, hand me your wishes and I will do my best to pass them on to The Big One ;-) There is no such things as impossible dreams ... Not in my life. No way. Merry X-Mas everybody! Kepp your dreams alive.

Getting Old (er)

Dear Santa ...

Please bring me some snow, so I can get old(er) while making snow angels ...

I am also asking you to keep all the people without personality away from me. Because lately I've become extremly intolerant against them... I thank you in advance, for keeping my friends and loved ones happy and healthy and, if it is not too much, I would appreciate a hug here and there. Just to let me know I am safe and have the right to be fragile every once in a while. That's all I need. For everything else I will take care on my own. As always....

*p.s. Don't even ask me to be a good girl, because you know damn well I always am. Don't mind Lola, she's just visiting sometimes, when Shia is about to get boring :-)

*p.s. 2 Thank you ...

The Truth

Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them, will not make you cry.

*Gabriel Garcia Marquez*

Poslanstvo

In potem pride dan, ko sem se pripravljena zopet usesti za računalnik in pustiti prstom, da z muko prevedejo moje misli na papir. Ne. Na ekran ... Pač, prekletstvo 21. stoletja. Računalnik is a must. Hate to admit but I am one of the computer junkies. In prav nobene želje ne čutim po tem, da bi se ozdravila te odvisnosti. Pač. Srečni odvisnik... Anyways, spet sem zašla. S poti. S steze, ki pelje do mojega trenutnega razpoloženja. Tudi v realnosti zadnje čase večkrat skrenem. Kar tako. Ker lahko. Ker mi paše. Ker mi je na trenutke vseeno.

In potem zavijam na poti, kjer še nisem bila. Brez pomislekov in obžalovanj. In srečujem. Ljudi in prikazni. Z večino se prav lepo ujamemo. Kako tudi ne, ko pa smo skupaj ujeti v tej farsi zadnjih mesecev. Smejemo se. A le zato, da bi drug drugega prepričali, da smo v redu. Da nam nič ne manjka in da verjamemo v to, da je vse za nekaj dobro. Igramo. Prepričljivo? Verjetno ne. A komu mar. Pač smo. Živimo.

In potem ju srečam. Ne le enkrat. Dvakrat. In se zdrznem. In bežim, a mi ne uspe. Vedno me najdeta. In potem jokam. Ker vidim, da trpita. In meni ni vseeno. Kar naenkrat mi ni vseeno. Zakaj? Ker vem, da v tem trenutku ne morem pomagati sebi, a zato lahko njima.

In potem se zavem. Svojega poslanstva. Jaz sem tista. Ki pride, pokaže, reši in gre. Kdaj? Ko me potrebujejo. Ko se jim zdi, da se morajo sprijazniti s tem kar imajo, čeprav jih to ne osrečuje. I come and I show them. That they deserve better. And that they are strong enough to change their lifes. Because they deserve it. Because they have huge things waiting for them just around the corner. They just need to take one step towards it. And when they do it ... my work is done. I move on ... knowing this is my mission and hoping one day I will be saved too ...

I Wish

Sometimes we are just trying too much, to make people believe, that we are fine ... I guess if we are telling ourselves that everything will be fine, eventually we start to believe it...

So, should I feel guilty if I have no more tears to cry and I just wish I wouldn't miss you anymore? I am only a very fragile human, that through years became an expert in this show called life. I want to believe, that one day I will wake up and you won't be the first thing that will cross my mind. I can't wait for the day, when I can let our love rest in peace... I hope I reach that before I get completely numb. Because then suddenly both of us would be zombies. At least I can still save myself. Sad. That is the word. Sad beyond control. Sometimes the dishes life serves us are just inedible ... I wish I could simply puke all of my emotions out and move on. This time for good.

Prvič

Predolgo nisem pisala. Nikoli se v meni ni porajalo toliko čustev, da jih ne bi mogla zliti na papir. Že dolgo se nisem nečesa tako bala, da me je bilo strah o tem govoriti naglas. Predolgo sem čakala in pustila, da se je strah v meni sprevrgel v brezup in neizmerno žalost. Prvič nisem verjela v to, da mi pisanje lahko pomaga. Prvič sem dvomila v to, da je zdravo, moje stanje deliti z vami. Prvič po 8 letih sem se zopet zaprla vase. I don't like it ... It's breaking my wings. So I forced myself back. Priznam, krhka sem. Priznam, da me življenje s svojimi presenečenji še lahko vrže iz tira. Priznam, da je del mene izginil. Priznam, da sem bila 'all the way to hell and back'. But I am ready for paradise again. V četrtek letim v samo srž svoje bolečine. In močno upam, da se ne bom zlomila. Because it's not a good time for that. Prvič se v raj odpravljam s tesnobo v vsaki celici mojega telesa. Upam, da tudi zadnjič.

p.s. Be strong moro mou. You are not alone. Gia Panta remember?

I let go ... I sit still

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never yours anyway.”

Don't run around chasing the butterflies ... Sit still and they will come to you and sit on your shoulder ...